The world is ending. Not because a bunch of Mexicans got drunk off a few Coronas, thousands of years ago, and decided to play Pictionary using a pyramid wall while drunk. The world is ending because my brother offered to take me out to dinner and pay for it. I had to take advantage of this situation quickly and carefully, before he changed his mind and text me back " Forget it, I'm going to order chinese and watch the Office". I quickly mentioned the Meatball shop. I don't know why. When it comes to meatballs I am very picky. In the hundreds of meatballs I have eaten in my life, I've only really loved two. I was pretty sure the meatball shop wouldn't be number three. But there was no turning back at this point.

My brother and I shot out to the Brooklyn location of The Meatball shop located on Bedford avenue in of course, Williamsburg. It was a Friday night and it was packed with a 10-20 minute waiting time. I feel any place that has a dense populations of hipsters should have a time limit on the table. Ever watch a hipster eat? It’s like watching a monkey fuck a football. I mean how long can you possibly talk about the collective works of Moby? The Meatball shop has an bar area, dimly lit with an open kitchen in the back along with some tables. My brother and I scored a seat in the back right in front of the open kitchen. The menu was a “ build your own “ checking off what kind of meatballs, sauce, cheese etc. One thing I have to point out is I noticed the word “ hero “ on the menu, describing the sandwich. Respect. This is fucking new york city, we call sandwiches on Italian bread, Hero’s. Not hoagies, grinders or subs. You want to call a sandwich something other than a hero, you should move back to motherfucking Ohio. Here’s what we ordered,
 

 Classic Beef Meatballs ($9)  A fresh hero topped with 3 meatballs, classic tomato sauce and fresh mozzarella. The meatball was decent, flavorful, not exactly what I was looking for texture wise, but it did the job. The sauce had a nice garlicky tang to it. The bread was fresh, crunchy out layer with a chewy inner.

Spicey Pork Meatblls ($9)   Served on a hero with sauce and fresh mozz, These meatballs were pretty damn F good. A little bit more tender than the beef ones with a nice hint of spiced flavor. These meatballs also worked well with the sauce giving a little heat to go with the tanginess.

  

Risotto ($4)  If I had a time machine, I would go back in time and not order this dish. It was really soupy and tasted like a shoe that has been hanging off a telephone pole for the past 12 years. 

Polenta ($4)   I tried the Risotto first, so I didn’t have high hopes for the polenta.  Much like my choices in woman, I was wrong. The polenta was creamy with hints of parmigna and butter. Until this day I still have erotic fantasy about this polenta.

With two cokes, the bill came to a whopping $35. I was pissed. In my life I only take advantage of two situations, a free meal and sex. I was looking to piss my brother off with a huge bill but it didn’t happen. Meatball shop wasn’t what I was looking for meatball wise. But the vibe is cool, the food is decent and the price is on point. Would I return to Meatball shop? Hell yes.  And as for finding the perfect meatball, my adventure continues on.

The Meatball Shop 

170 Bedford Avenue, Brooklyn  (2 other locations)

718 - 551-0520

B rating from the NYC DOH 

http://www.themeatballshop.com/ 

 

I am sad to announce I will have to abandon plans for organizing  a food truck festival in Coney Island. With all the empty lots in Coney Island I figured find space for the trucks would be easy, I was wrong. And that is what it simply comes down to. Also, things have changed in my personal life and my priorities are different now. The good news is I am in contact with the food truck association and I will be informing them about big events going on in Coney Island. 

Most importantly, I would like to thank everyone for their support. All my close personal friends who were going to fly in from through out the country just for the event. Thank you to all the bloggers, media, food truck vendors, the food heads on twitter and all the new contacts I made along the way for supporting the idea. I guess there is always next summer.

 “Ox cart”. This is the text message I got from a friend. You see, most of my friends are fucking morons. They like to start their sentences in the middle and expect me to decipher what they're saying. Honestly, I was hoping a cart pulled by an ox had run him over. No luck. He went on to explain it would be the best burger I’d eat all year. I had to see this for myself.

Ox cart is located on Newkirk Avenue in Ditmas Park, the latest area to be gentrified, making it hard to tell if you need a bullet proof vest or hipster repellent. It’s housed in a cool little spot with outdoor seating in the summer. Inside is a bar, some seating and a few booths filled with hipsters. I also noticed some random crazy lady stealing silverware. She didn’t think anyone was watching, but I was. Right away I saw fresh baked pretzels. That’s a no brainer; order it. Now, on to the burgers. An Alamo burger and a coke will work.

Before I go into further detail about the food, my coke had arrived, in a tall glass bottle. Producto Mexico. We were off to a good start. 

 The soft baked pretzels: ($4)  Two pretzel sticks served with cheese sauce and dijon mustard. Piping hot, soft baked with a crunchy outer layer and a chewy inside. The dijon mustard was spicy enough to clear the worst case of genital warts. After that I stuck with the cheese sauce. 

 The Alamo burger: ($13)  No, PeeWee Herman did not deliver this burger on his bike. A half pound of beef topped with jack cheese, a deep fried onion ring, a fried egg and homemade BBQ sauce, all served with freshly cut fries.  If you’ve ever wondered what the meaning of life is, this burger is it. It’s perfectly charred, with a precise ratio of meat to bun. The crunch of the onion ring, the tenderness of an egg and the sweetness of the BBQ sauce made this a home run. My only gripe was I wished the egg would have been over easy.  The fries were good - fresh and crunchy.

Towards the end of the meal the service got a little sluggish, but that’s because I think a A strokes cover band performance next door let out and the place was turning into dude bro central. If you told me 15 years ago I would one day eat one of the greatest burgers in Brooklyn, on Newkirk Avenue, I would have stolen your wallet and peed on your leg. My, how times have changed. 

Ox Cart Tavern 

1301 Newkirk Avenue, Brooklyn NY 

(718) 284-0005  

www.oxcarttavern.com

One thing I hate is dating. Two things I hate are dating and going on a date to a place I’ve never been.  So when my date suggested we hit up Crif Dog, I was excited, for about 8 minutes. That’s when I realized I had never been there, even though they were on my to-do list. This may be hard for you to believe, but I do have some manners, just not many. So I opted not to do my usual review process of picture taking and deep concentration while eating for the potential of casual sex.

My friend and I decided to go to Crif Dog’s second location, in Williamsburg. Located on Driggs Avenue, it’s a small space with a few tables; two of which have pac-man video game and counter type seating in the back. Your order off a large chalkboard menu and the dude bro behind the counter brings you your food. This time around I went with a Good Morning Dog and a Jon-Jon Deragon dog, and we decided to split orders of tater tots and chili waffle fries.

Good morning dog ($5): A hot dog bun topped with a fried egg, American cheese and a deep fried crif dog wrapped in bacon. With the first bite, I got that hot dog snap which we all love and masturbate to at night. Now, I NEVER put ketchup on a hotdog and I think people who do should be beaten with a rusty rake in an abandoned garage in South Brooklyn, but I cannot eat eggs without ketchup, so I threw a little on and stepped into eternal hot dog ecstasy.  This hot dog brought back fond memories from my childhood. My father used to make us eggs with fried hot dogs on Saturdays, which I later found out was a staple in many Russian households. So much for being trendy.

Jon-Jon DeRagon ($3.75): A crif dog topped with cream cheese, scallions and toppings you would find on an everything bagel. All I have to say is it worked. This was definitely the weirdest combination but in a good way, kind of like when after you sleep with a girl, she says has to leave because she has to wake up early in the morning to make the donuts.

Tater tots ($3.50): Crisp little morsels of potatoes, perfectly crispy and salty. Make sure you ask for the melted cheese on the side. 

 

Waffle fries with chili cheese  ($4.50)  Anything in waffle form has to be good. They’re topped with a meaty chili that gives a little heat and sweetness at the same time.

I decided 2012 was going to be the year I didn’t eat at the same place twice. I was doing well until this, but if someone had to break my streak, I’m glad it was Crif Dog.

Have you ever come home at 430 in the morning, drunk and said to yourself “I need a pizza stone"? Well, I have. Most people get drunk and get laid, I’m buying pizza stones. But I figured the pizza stone would get me laid anyway so fuck it. I picked up  a stone, peel and pizza cutter on eBay for $30 and fell a sleep on my couch. I’m no Dom Difara but this could be “ teach a man to fish “ situation. I invited over a few unsuspecting friends to test my pizza making skills and these were the results.

My local pizza joint hooked me up with some of their dough. For $10 I cranked out 8 small pies. 

I made a simple tomato sauce ($5). Garlic, onions, salt, pepper, and some red wine and I let that fucker cook for 3 hours on low heat

No Vodka was harmed in the making of this sauce

I picked up some nice imported prosciutto ($5 for a 1/4 pound ) and fresh mozzarella ($6 for a pound ) from this Italian specialty store

I'm not going to lie to you. It took me about 2 hours and 3 glasses of wine to try and figure out how to get the dough to look like this.

The first test pie. I put my oven onto 525 degrees. Once my oven hit 525 I let the pizza oven sit in there for twenty minutes. I topped it with my simple tomato sauce, cheese, salt, pepper, olive oil, parmigiano reggiano and then I threw the fucker in there.

The results. I took this with my iPhone cause I was to retarded to remember to take it with my SLR 

Alla vodka sauce, Prosciutto, cheese, pepper and olive oil.

Tomato sauce, Pepperoni, parmigiano reggiano, pepper, olive oil 

 

Vodka Sauce, Prosciutto, Pepperoni, Olive oil

And with that being said, I leave you with this song.

 

I am a true southerner. South Brooklyn, that is. Born and bred. Even though I don’t ride around on candy paint, or refer to everyone as “shawty,” I feel that I’ve eaten enough real southern BBQ to earn the right to marry my first cousin. For my BBQ fix I usually head to Jakes BBQ in the Columbia waterfront district of Brooklyn, but my new year’s resolution for 2012 was to not eat at the same place twice. So I whipped out my shamefully long list of places I wanted to checkout and decided on Mable’s Smoke House in Williamsburg. I strapped on my hipster repellent and headed down to PBR heaven.

Mable’s Smoke House is located on North 11th Street and Berry Avenue, in the ‘burg. It’s a self service type place, where you order from the counter and the food is brought over to you.  There is a full service bar and communal seating, which I hate. I don't feel I should have to suffer by sitting next to some hipster while he plans his next demonstration for Occupy Wall street. Luckily it was a Sunday night at 9pm and the place was dead. After a quick skim of the menu, here’s what my friend and I decided to order:

Fritos Pie ($7) :  Anyone who knows me knows that I love pie. Apple pie, cherry pie... all kinds of pie. So when I heard they had a fritos pie, I needed to have one. A 50 cent bag of fritos chips ripped open and topped with ground beef, shredded cheddar and a side of sour cream. Basically, hillbilly nachos.  The beef had a little kick to it but the sour cream took it down a notch. The pie was probably as good as panty pie. 

  

DeLux Platter ($28) : Your choice of three meats and three sides, plus pickles, jalapenos, sliced onions and wonder bread.We chose the brisket, pulled pork and St.Louis ribs. For Sides we went with Mac & cheese and a coleslaw.

Brisket:  Tender pieces of thickly sliced brisket that fell apart when I lifted them from the dish. A mild, smoked flavor that brushed your palate with utter goodness with every bite.  

 

Pulled Pork:  Chunks of pulled pork served dry (without BBQ sauce). I topped it off with Mable’s BBQ sauce and it was like I walked into the nexus of another universe. I think of myself as a BBQ connoisseur. I mean, I put that shit on my eggs. And I’ve never tasted a BBQ sauce like this before in my life. It was sweet, smokey, tangy… everything a good BBQ sauce should be. 

St. Louis Ribs:  There’s always the debate of dry ribs (without BBQ sauce) vs. wet ribs (with BBQ sauce). I don’t like dry pussy, so why on g-d’s green earth would I want my ribs dry? When a rib is cooked properly the sugar from the BBQ caramelizes the meat, thus forming a crust, giving you a crunchy out layer and sealing the juices inside giving you a juicy, tender, rib. And that’s exactly what this rib had. This rib should be inducted into the rib hall of fame.

Mac & Cheese :  Old school  Mac & Cheese made with elbo macaroni. Creamy and good. 

Coleslaw :  Fresh, crunchy and cool down some of the heat that from some of the meats. 

The bill came to $40.24. That is dirt cheap. It was a lot of food, not enough to put you in a food coma but just enough to hit your craving for good BBQ.  With all the BBQ joints popping up in Brooklyn Mable's makes my list of the top 3. Mable's was a great way to kick off 2012 and sticking to my new year's resolution. Eh, fuck resolutions, we just got reservations.

Mable's Smoke House 

44 Berry St  Brooklyn, NY 11249 

(718) 218-6655

 www.mablessmokehouse.com

My family and I celebrate most occasions with Chinese food. Yes, we’re the stereotypical Jews, but it’s in the Jewish people’s handbook; rule #3. Going out to eat with my family is an adventure. Okay, more like a really bad reality show.  Now, don’t get it twisted; I have a great set of parents and a brother. But my father tends to eat rice grain by grain. I mean, the man eats slower than a convict having his last meal on death row. My mom - to her everything is salty, expensive and, according to her, we will never find a parking spot. As for my brother, well…. He has the manners of a baboon with Down Syndrome. He tends to look at his watch every few seconds and asks for the check before we even order. So, you can see how difficult going out to with my family dinner can be.

It was my father’s birthday. My brother was going away on vacation so that was one headache out of the way. My pops and I had always talked about venturing into Brooklyn’s Chinatown neighborhood, which started on 65st stretched down 8th Avenue until the hipsters gentrified the rents. As approached the area we were clueless as to where to eat. I knew about Pacificana, but I wanted to stay away. I was looking for something more off the beat. I just feel any place with a New York Times write up would be flooded with Park Slope moms trying to order in broken Cantonese they learned from Rosetta Stone. So after 10 minutes of walking around, we had enough decided to try this place called New Sea Wide Seafood restaurant.

The place was dead except for one guy who was watching Oprah in Cantonese. Go figure. As we waited for our menus, I prayed homeboy wouldn’t bring over the “white boy menu”. As I skimmed the menu I was glad to see there was no dish option of a half chicken with french fries. I had no clue what was or wasn't authentic but I figured if I haven't seen it on any run of the mill take out menu I'd be okay. Here's what we ordered.

Baby shrimp with egg ($8.95) :  The shrimp was a little larger than what you’d call “baby,” and was mixed with scrambled eggs. It was a simple, delicious dish. You could tell the egg was fried in sesame oil, which gave it more of an authentic flavor. The shrimp, although not deveined, was tender and fresh. 

 Beef chow fun ($7.95):  One of my favorite dishes is chow fun and I wanted to order it to see if it differed from the white boy style you would get in a random take-out joint. It did. Slices of tender beef and Chinese broccoli lay atop a mountain of flat noodles fried in soy sauce. Not only do I love chinese food and girls but I now love their Broccoli. Yes, I live in a cave and have never tried Chinese Broccoli. Tender and crisp, the crunchy texture blended well with the tenderness of the beef and the softness of the noodles. 

Chicken with scallion and ginger ($8.95):  I’m an asshole. This wasn’t what I thought it was going to be. But I’m Mister know it all and got it anyway. Boiled chicken choked up and served with a side of scallion ginger sauce. Eh, took two bites and decided I’d rather pick a homeless man’s nose and eat what I found.

  

Roast pork ($6.95):  Your everyday hung in the window roast pork. Sliced up and served for me to eat within 2.3 seconds. Tender, juicy and sweet. I’m somewhat convinced all window roast pork was created equal. 

Chili squid($9.95):  Pieces of squid, deep fried, and sprinkled with chili peppers, salt and pepper. Not a bad dish, gave a little heat to everything else we were eating, which seemed a little dull on the spice side. The crust was a little heavy, which didn’t give any room to actually taste the squid. Either way, two thumbs up to this dish. 

Oh, and I got a coke. Just to keep it gully.

I wasn't really paying attention to the prices when I ordered but I figured the bill would be at least $100. I was shocked to see the bill come out to $43.75. Shit, I can go buy a pair of dunks with rest of the money. Everyone agreed the bill and the food was perfect. Although my love affair with Chinatown still lives on I honestly believe in 5 years Brooklyn's Chinatown will make Manhattan's Chinatown look like a motherfucking P.F Changs.


New Sea Wide Restaurant 

5810 8th Avenue
Brooklyn, NY 11220
(718) 439-3200